This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
