i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
