There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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