dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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