Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am mentally ready for anal.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
