You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
