this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
