the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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