I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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