I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
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