tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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