Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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