I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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