I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
