It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
