Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
