It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
