Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
