He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
