My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
