the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
