I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
