i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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