Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
