before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
