So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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