he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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