God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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