Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
