The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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