I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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