Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
