I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
