We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
