Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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