youre lurking in front of me
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
