She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
