I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
