Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She bit a glass in half.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
