woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
