I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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