Will you blow on my dice?
well you can't waste a boner
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
