When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
