upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
