omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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