i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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