So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
