I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
