I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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