"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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