Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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