so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
