Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
