I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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