I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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