Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
