Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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